The lyrics

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To continue to love someone, but to never forgive. The crushing pain of the in between, to never face a love how it once was. To have your rib cage tighten, your heart soften, to become weak. To want someone, the need of needing someone, and to live life without them. To know you no longer feel safe in their arms, the domination of one’s reality – she knew he wasn’t who he use to be. Her forced Good-bye.

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He loves me?

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It was better than before, we were back to writing each other lists with music titles. I was sending him sexy cute pictures while he was away. He would bring me home wraps from sobeys that were so good, for supper. We were back on track, planning a family life, he wanted me to come off birth control and we had even talked about moving to another location, since where I was wasnt in the best of locations. I attended his friend’s birthday party, where I met some new friends he gathered along the way, we were known as the beer pong champions. Nothing new, as on my side of the world I am the beer pong champion, I learned how to play at White Sands; I was pro. They were not the usual type of people I would hang with all about 10 years older than me, but they were nice and welcoming. I got along with most of them that I had met and I thought maybe for once we could have some mutual friends; hardly how it worked out. I went to his men’s baseball it took a few innings until I got introduced to the boys which; now makes sense and we know where  center of the problem really began. He would hold me and cuddle me when we would lay in bed. He took the time to try to fix my electronics that were broken to just end up breaking them even more, he is not good with fixing electronics. We spent hours trying to figure out how to play our music from our YouTube on the tv to getting a different Netflix. I remember passing out on the bean bag chair to waking up to him with some new thing discovered. He promised not to join co-ed and he did it anyways so we all know by now this is where the story went wrong. The last chapter of Chad and Jess did not last as long as I had hoped. There was no fun events to Niagara, no sexy beach time with Jess in a bikini. It was all hidden behind doors, we could have been so much more. It was such a disappointment; but to have five minutes to lay in Chad’s arms I would have sacrificed everything; and that I did.

The game

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Was it once I got him back in my arms that I knew it was him all along? Gosh I missed him, its like my whole world was right back to where it should always be. I needed him, I wanted him. Or was it once again that moment when he started to give me the cold shoulder? It is always a; I want you, maybe I don’t, beg for me kind of game with him. We all have secrets, I wont lie. I have hidden things from him just like he has from me. I have never cheated on Chad, I could never dream. However after so many on and offs and trying to figure out how and if he is hiding the other women, my love for him fell short of what it once was. As I have said before I love the skater boys, I always said to myself when I get older, I wonder if my urge for that type will slowly fade. He came back he was older, I was 25 he was 30. Even with 6 months apart, his face had aged, he looked tired, his wardrobe changed and he no longer did the up keep he use to with himself. I don’t know if it was the fear of being hurt that kept me from fully giving my all to him, or if the abuse had started earlier then it usually did. Saying I am not worthy of him, because I did not make an appointment on his behalf. I dont know if he became custom to being away and what kind of relationships he faced, but I was not a personal assistant. My eyes wandered, those younger boys, a couple of years younger than me just caught my attention. Perhaps it was when their faces lit up, or the knowledge they would bring to the table. I was not allowed to go places nor talk to them how I use to. I started to miss them, but having the love of my life back, was worth any communication or mutual friendship. Time started to murge together, I was getting bored, being drawen into a timezone of boringness and surrounded by nothing but himself and old people. I slowly got sick of picking up dirty socks, paying 100% of the bills on my school budget. Being told that even with his income, he could not financially support himself and was now at the point his grey sporty car was being repo’ed. The one he had financed a few years before. I was at the point where someone so much older shouldnt be looking up to me for so much help, I did not have the money or education to help support one’s self at such a low; in his life. He would blame the drugs, but what drug? The one he stole from me, or the drug he hid from me? Chad faced a demon, he can call my addiction whatever female name he feels fit, however I call his demon; Oxy’s. I use to think this boy was perfect, that he could stand on a pedestal and become whoever he wanted. He could have been a model, on the cover of ink boys or even GQ. He has small facial features, small brown eyes and perfect eye brows. I was always jealous of his eye brows, he had a tiny face just like I did, perfect white teeth, after 5 years I realized he didn’t always have a tooth ache, those oxy’s weren’t always needed. It concerned me, his dealer was a sketchy kid, who I befriended. He was smart but socially not right, I always said anything you get from him ‘I want none of it’. I am not one to judge especially on addiction, I have been addicted to many different chemicals, self harm, alcohol and so on, throughout the years. But I never did any of it to put myself in harm’s way, I am not suicidal, temperamental ‘yes’. It became a turn off, his need – his want how he couldn’t control himself, he somehow became old within my eyes. I wanted to help him so much, I put my own well being at risk. I needed to know what he was up too, hours on my laptop, a laptop I was no longer allowed to use for school. How do you give up on someone who was the reason your heart continued to beat, How do you love someone who has been invaded by such evil, when there was such innocence in the world. Then again how do you blame someone who was just trying to help you, and I think we both ask that question, but in two totally different ways.

I forgot; he did not

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While I was off being a college student, having the time of my life. I never stopped partying or becoming who I wanted to be to even think about him. I wonder what was it like on his side of the world, was he actually with someone else once again and missing me? When Chad and I go our separate ways to gain experience in life, I always stay single.. because he was my one true love. I do not get with someone filling their heads for half a year that I love them and there will be a future, once again Chad and I are completely different. I was so sure that after doing what I had done, that the ending was exactly what had happened. I wanted Chad to find happiness, to find a place in this world where he belonged. I was off chasing a younger boy, and I wanted him to find love and happiness in the things he did. As I have said before our love for music is so different, we have no mutual friends, our taste in activities and decor are nothing alike.. we truly were each others missing half. You would find me at a bar uptown, taking shots with people, planing an after party, he would be at his uncles enjoying a beer. I turned my house that we planned to raise children in, into a party house. It was spotless, I am a clean freak, its funny because my living room was a pale pink when he left, turned into a lime green; a pot smoking room. It was amazing. I wonder how many nights did he sit up drinking with his family knowing he had to baby sit his little brother who was 20 years younger than him the next morning? How much did he really miss me, to have to find the courage to message me; he always said I make him so nervous. Was it that he knew I sold my home, one of the hardest things; I have ever done. I always thought he’d come home and to sell it knowing now he does not have a home to come back to; was like my final goodbye. Was it a plan all along; financially, or did he truly miss me. From July 2013 to December 2013 it didn’t seem like all that long; to me. Did he spend every night wishing he had done things different? I had forgotten about him, but to know he spent all those nights wanting to just know how I was. What was it about December 18th that made him finally spend me a how are you? My reaction was unreal, I freaked. Did he not know how he breaks me, how I shatter to pieces without him, how I can no longer do this on and off and see how he can be with others. Why must he always come back, why must I warn people I like that I cannot plan a future with you, and if Chad comes back, I don’t know what I will do. For him to message though, it made me realize maybe just maybe, the Chad and Jess story was not over yet. Was there really my old Chad still within the damaged Chad that Leannah had created? How a girl could destroy such a perfect man in 6 months makes my eyes water to this day. I replied to his text and that was the beginning of a new chapter for Romeo and his J.

One of my favourite songs;

 

Summer of 2013; epic

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The party was amazing, every night of every day. I had just got myself back after a relationship where I was not allowed to do anything. I went to a party that we will all remember, going up with one gal and returning back to our city with a bunch of new friends. We all loved each other, we are all smoking hot and knew exactly how to party. Our friendships grew and we all loved each other so much crazy how we all got along. As we all brought in more and more people from previous groups we became one of the biggest party groups known in Waterloo. I had no choice but to let Chad go in the summer of 2013, after he returned back in March as promised. You should have seen these boys, tanned, tatted, tall, young and ready to party. My heart synced to one in May of 2013, perhaps that’s what made it easier to let go of Chad. He was gorgeous, funny as hell and defiantly talented. I learned so much from this new group, I cried in front of them, laughed, I even puked all over one of them. There was no such thing as embarrassed or to drunk or to fucked up. We all had each other backs, I have never experienced so many best friends at one time. Awake for a week at a time and so on, I had so many activities to attend and finally became a girl who couldn’t care about planing for a family life. I was jumping out of planes; sky diving, to tattooing my entire back, drag racing each other, to changing my hair a hundred times. I would wake up to phone calls in the early am, have cuddle fests with the cutest boys. It’s like the heavens above knew I needed this; after ignoring Chad and hacking his stuff so I no longer had to hear from him. I thought I was free, free from a pain I almost didn’t survive. We all need a year off to party and thats exactly what I did, I quit my job and enrolled into college and partied harder than ever before. Of course some judged, not everyone agreed with the choices of drugs we found ourselves surrounded by, some of us went on our own adventures while some of us missed them. We have some of the best videos, from wanting to adopt panda’s from the zoo, to ordering McDonald’s in a mask wasted or running around uptown in costumes fucking with people. I got to have the best college party experience of all time and made so many new friends. I will always thank them, they secretly unknownly saved me from world domination by Chad stealing my youth from me and they returned it back to me full force. The carefree, love everyone almost a hippy vs city kind of life is what we lived. I was no longer that shy girl.. DrunkJESSisbestJESS haha. It was fun while it lasted. Intensified.

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The pain within

 

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A day had come and I did not see it coming, he told me he was numb. That he needed to get his own place and we can still date but he needed his own space. Chad is in a lot of debt, it’s always his reason for stress, how he gets 30 calls a day looking for money. I could not help him with his past, I could not spend my money; I had from a job I was with for 6 years on his past. Chad had to go his own way, so that he could figure this out. Being 5 years older than me I never understood, until one day – the day his uncle set him up with someone who had a more stable life apparently – one that just might fork over money to pay those bills. This was something he had to do for himself, to learn a lesson within life. His reasons never made sense, I cannot do to her what I once did to you. However, I live life on repeat as he continuously kept doing it to me. I always wondered after the fall of 2012, when we finally parted ways for the first time in two and a half years. I had to go on short-term disability from work for five months with pay. I didn’t realize how hard it would be to live without him. At first I thought it was the way I looked, I starved myself, I started the process of loosing so much weight. I was on meds of 200mg it effected more crazier then crack. I loved him, oh did I ever love him. My entire life fell apart I did not get out of bed and when I did I would get texts how he wanted to be with me and not with the pig farm girl, Leannah. He would tell me how he hated her, how she was spreading rumours about him drinking and driving. How I had to wait til March and he would come home and make it up to me for the rest of his life, how we would try for a family, I just had to be patient. I never could understand the concept… he wanted me to wait? Wait alone, heart-broken, fallen to pieces.. while he lay next to her? I never understood the concept, I never got angry, I was to heart broken to get mad. My entire soul was taken from me, I might as well had been a ghost. I had no idea who I was anymore, lost in a world alone all of a sudden. I needed to find the strength to move forward, months and months I drank lots and lost weight, my hair got long and my body got hot. I was 24 and realizing I needed to get my life in order. I lived in a big house all alone which I was so sure at one point became haunted. I paid all the bills alone, went to Las Vegas by myself to get away from reality; tried to find independence within myself. I covered his name on my wrist with a black heart reminding myself he is black-hearted. I started to grow up. I was that girl who needed that boy to survive, how did it come to that. I made sure to get him out-of-town and send her a message to let her know its a Chad and Jess story and she did not belong. Sadly after a few months he was faced with the fact that Leannah was threatening to slit her wrists if he left. I never understood, I would have offered to bring over a rope and hang her off her barn, but he found no humour in this. I may have cried, but for a loser to threaten to kill herself, I understood more once I saw a picture of her. She was obviously one who did not receive much attention but for him to care if she survived, while I was sitting at home alone falling apart without him. I realized for me to survive I had to stand on my own two feet. I didnt care how that ended, I found the volume button on my stereo, a size 7/8 pant and started to do what I do best, dance my worries away… 2013 had just begun and I found comfort in my new/ old friends – my music – my party life and survived 2012, sadly so did she, no one likes a home wrecker. Let the party begin…

 

 

Why I call him Romeo

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When did it become a story, is it because we have been on and off for to long. Because I got to wear a ring on my finger, earrings in my ears or the necklaces he gave me around my neck? Was it the cards and roses, I received on Valentine’s day or the massages I would get. It’s funny he never asked why my neck was so bad throughout our years, he massaged it and attempted to crack my back. When I was about 11 my dad drove long haul, a car cut him off and instead of running over and killing the family in front of us, he ditched the truck. Only thing is it had no trailer on it so we ended up rolling 3 times, I was in the back on the bunk bed. I ended up knocked out by the fridge and being thrown up front and through the windshield. It was quite the experience, and now I live with a twisted vertebrae; a spinal injury. I have adapted to the largest amount of pain, giving me the tolerance to pain that you could never imagine. When I was upset or awake for to long he would lay down on the floor and tell me to come lay, knowing once I curled up on him that I would fall asleep right away. I think our story changed into a romantic novel, when he would play candy crush stressing about his finances and I would curl up on his lap my head on his chest, my arm around his rib cage and would sleep for hours. He would stay as still as he could so that I could get a good nap in. It was a rough time after my dad’s death sleep was something I would rarely do. I am an addict to soda pop, and every day he would take the stroll to the store to make sure I had at least my average of 2 litres of pop a day.. its funny you say 2 letres, drugs .. did she smoke too? Yes I smoked a pack of belmonts a day, the story of how pop drugs and smokes ruin your teeth could be true but you must take care of them and then like Chad and I, you will have straight perfect white teeth. Back to topic, when he’d come back he would have my favourite in hand… scratch tickets! Crosswords!. Everytime he would make me hand them over to him so he could check them over, funny yet – sad. I would think I won $5 but missed a bit and really it was $15.. haha this use to make him so mad. I would make a cute little facial expression and he would kiss my forehead and run back to the store to exchange our winnings for more. He never left the condo/house or apartment without saying I love you and kissing my forehead or cheek or lips, its funny because I would sometimes be so late ( cause I’m always late ) I would run off without even saying goodbye. If you watched from inside of our house you would have expected me to the unfaithful one not him. My head was filled with so much, I took care of finances and cleaning and cooking and every daily activity – he didn’t have to do anything or think about anything. The thing with “Romeo” & “The Love Of My Life” if you read our text is we had it all. However one of us were just off dealing with something and without the affection we needed we felt we were going to lose the other one. I wish we were best of friends that could openly talk to each other about the deepest of subjects. It’s a thing we lacked as our lives were so different; and Chad’s softball always came first. I remember wanting to go to the beach and he could never find time as ball took over 7 days a week, if not practice then games to the point I wanted to seriously break his pitching arm so that he just couldn’t play. I grew to hate ball the old ass people who played it and the game all together; it became sad for such grown-ups to waste so much time on childness. We could have been epic is all I tell myself over and over but that’s just it Romeo and Juliet had an epic story where they would die for each other, thats what was missing with Chad. His lack to put his personality and the way people viewed his at risk to save me. It ended up where I became the reasons for his defaults in life his failures, but then why always come back? Because I am the only one that makes him feel whole again. There is no happiness for Chad if there is no Jess. So you ask where is he now? I don’t have time to explain to some – the definition of black mail, but we all know thats the only reason he never made his way back home this time.

Never say goodbye because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting.” ― J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan.

A song Chad sent me in the summer of 2013 & now I understand the lyrics.