the past

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The past is always something we look back on, something that defines us. We sometimes miss the music and we sometimes don’t. I love looking back on how young he was, how cute and how I got to have him during those years. Something she’ll never have. Growing up scares me, what age will we suddenly look into the mirror and no longer recognize ourselves. When will everything in life become a struggle when we once had everything at our finger tips. He was everything and one day he just became nothing, I didn’t want him I didn’t need him but what I went through with him is what made me into this strong independent women. I still smile at our past before it went wrong, frown upon what went so wrong. But to love again, if he has or not.. but for me that’s a gift. To look someone else in the eyes and just know that the future holds new adventures. That’s a blessing. I wonder sometimes when he became so different; Chad I mean. I wonder if he sits within disappointment playing candy crush and how many years have gone by. He’s a prime example of who I don’t want to be and with the age difference I am glad I have learned from his mistakes. But sometimes I sure miss the skater boy in the pictures but glad to have the advantage to say yeah when he looked good.. he was mine.. and now he’s yours.

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To face my fears

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That’s what they wanted, was for me to be afraid. Those stories those lies, they wanted me to close my eyes and panic. Everyday they wanted me to live in fear. I would have to say, when I was faced with life after struggle with loss, heartache, addiction and so much more, alone. They left me there, to figure it out on my own. They too saw bugs in my apartment, I am so afraid of insects.. to watch me scream at the top of my lungs and refuse to kill them, like it was no big deal. They made me walk in thunderstorms facing the fear of lightning, they made me face the fear of being alone. I get this is a strategy, for when one hits rock bottom.. but did none of them realize I’ve been doing it on my own since I was 17. I always wondered what would happen when they realized I didn’t want them apart of my life anymore and it had back fired?. I wonder how much of the game I played myself, did I too loose myself within character. Did this just once again build a wall to consume me with hate. I spent hours, doing sit ups and squats and push ups, I spent hours punching the shit out of that punching bag, I jogged those streets at night; I know exactly what it is like to stand there and face fear in the eyes. Did they doubt me? I stood there waiting, ready to throw the first punch. Did they under-estimate me? Now sitting here weeks til I’m off bail, I wonder to myself; is he even worth the fight anymore. As he has been trapped within his own prison of a relationship without the ability to love someone, while I have been off completing my bucket list of my wants. Or am I looking for them to prove that I too can stand up for myself; I am no push over. I wonder why he felt the need not to protect me, was it a plan all along? I wonder if he knew the years of training, one does not get into a bad life style without the knowledge of needing the ability to win. Perhaps its better to leave a broken-hearted weak girl; image in their minds. I wonder if Chad just knew there was a day I stopped loving him the way I use too. I just wanted a man, a man to protect me, a best friend who worshipped me, a safe set of arms to cuddle me when I was scared. The reality of it all is; the man I once loved so much, became the monster under my bed. . and I am no longer afraid of the monster under my bed. I am not afraid to face any fear I may have on my own. To hear the pain he struggled with the fear of loosing me. To not have the emotions within to care; two lost souls broken apart, lost without each other; only to ever love each other. However to not have it hurt anymore; freedom. I think I may have finally found my; independence.

The need to no longer need

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The day when it all set in.. I was royalty and they were peasants. To have them pick on me, and watch on the side lines and laugh. It makes me smile the need to no longer need him, to make plans and to never think about him. The best part of it all was, I wish I could be there to watch him try to suceed. You tend to realize when once his friends and family pick on you, perhaps he might just not be doing so well. I want to shine, I want to get everything I have ever wanted. I have shoved happiness within faces of those who crave it. I never knew being free would be so amazing and healing for my soul. That the past will chase you, to go out of their ways to make sure its harder for you, and in reality it makes it so much easier; as their wines and cries are the reasons for your smile. To feeling of winning. I never thought I would feel nothing at all, that the urge to want to fight those so ugly would take over my mind. How is it that he has been forgotten? It scares me, it hurts a little inside to think we only live once… and that’s all we had. That each day going forward; his chapter is over. As if he is dead, there is apart of me that wishes he would just die, so I had a real excuse for his absence, one that made sense. Will there be a time, where I get to shove it all in his face? laugh and move on.. no. Will there ever be a time where I hear this whole time he missed me.. no. Will there ever be a time that someone tells me the story within the lines of why… no. It’s crazy that everyday I live without hearing about him, seeing him or just knowing. It’s crazy the struggle that has become a blessing, we have no mutual friends. We have been so easily forgotten; that we no longer matter; erased. That forever, is actually a limited time. No one gets forever, and we only get one life. To watch someone lower their standard for a pretend fairytale, a lower life standard, to just be numb throughout it all. I don’t cry, but I want to, he could have done so much better. I have always lived life as an emotional rollercoaster kind, I love someone so much right now, but because of Chad. I live my life on a 3 red flag rule, they have to be able to with stand the emotions, the standards and answer the questions properly. I have to thank him, that girl who is so emotionally attached, can only help one so much until she to finds pleasure watching them fail. Why is this world so convinced that these standards are right? When did the world thing we must compete? and what happened to partnership.. have I become like the rest of the world, finding pleasure watching you drown? … no. I refuse.

 

Growing apart/up

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Dear; Chad,          6 years later 2016

There’s a reason I never begged for you to come home. It’s not because I don’t love you, it’s because I was able to start loving other people -and to love; I forgot what that felt like.  Johnny Depp always said if you love two people always choose the second one because if you truly loved the first one, you could have never have fallen in love with the second one. I hate that we have a love hate relationship now, but with you bringing in such homewreckers who think they know me or my struggles. That can give you any type of advice, well that isn’t even the problem. Why do strangers I have never met know anything about me in the first place? I have grown up to my own standards, I still party hard to loud music and I have grown to love myself and my friends more than I ever loved anything. I can’t say I am shy anymore, I am actually quite full of myself; thinking I am the star of the show. If we were on camera or we were a movie… I would have the number one role and I would be the star. I had to run away from you because you got to old all of a sudden to fast, you weren’t funny anymore or fun at all. Your style and your personality turned into something/someone else. Your bi polar has seriously gotten the best of you; yes Chad google your medication and see what it says. You once did that to me didn’t you? but then again, I am not on medication; you are. I dont miss you, I hope you dont miss me, because even when I was laying on the floor you walked away. I only had myself to rely on, to find the strength to stand back up on my own two feet and thats who I love most:::: myself. I love my life so much, I love that I didnt miss out on my life; being a kid, college. Even after you emptied my bank account; I got up and I fought back at life; I have my smile and chuckle back, I love to laugh. My love for music has grown to the point that I now write music. You once asked me for ‘your Jess’ back, I am here to tell you… she doesn’t exist anymore. xo J

The mean girl blog

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Homewrecker; a word we all cringe too. When in this world did Ashley Madison start and have it okay to meet people for an affair. I wish I could tell you that he went looking for her, however he was manipulated by his friends to get with her. She is a country girl; you know the trash that bleaches their hair, but are to over weight for it to look good. When they have a playboy bunny over sized necklace on, they smile but their canine teeth are an off yellow colour to the rest of their teeth. You could tell she was full of herself, but when I look at my friends who are super hot and then her, I think honey you are the nastiest thing I have ever seen. I have never met Leannah Brighton, although I want too. The first time she came in pretending to be Chad’s friend and helping him with an apartment, an off part of her barn on her parents farm.. where she slowly apparently moved in after with her dishes and her ugly pink bathroom towels. I was kind to her, let her know he was still seeing me too, maybe she was unaware; I had hope. Now when this ( this might be rude; it’s unlike me I know. She deserves it. ) nasty ass fat ass cow who walks a rabies infested fat ass pig on a leash everywhere, comes back and tries to ruin our relationship once again. I label this tramp a; homewrecker, I did threaten Leannah, but is it truly a threat? When I was serious. I would have seriously have grab this chick by her greasy hair and taken a pair of scissors and cut her hair off, I would have grabbed her by the head and curbed her with a pair of my sexy DC kicks. I would have run her over with my car and perhaps even have slit her throat. This girl was with Chad during our off time for half a year, he has mentioned to me and many others how much he hates her, he even had to punch her in the face. However she’s bigger then him so in UFC that’s a fair fight, I am half the size of her and I have been calling her out to fight for years. Perhaps this homewrecker is to busy being photoshopped into pictures being eaten out by her pig. We will never know? I have never hated anyone in my life, I give dirty looks to girls if their eyeing my guy or laugh at girls who talk shit. However this girl has made one of the worst enemies you could imagine, even though he tells her he hates her, she shows up everywhere. I have been to so much anger management that I have to control my anger which helps in the real world. I would have just let the past be the past, but is it not sad – her continuous comments how she wants (not that it happened or might have) to be his baby daddy, while he’s with another girl. I have OCD and my obsession with eliminating this girl has gotten out of control. To now 2 years later, as I grow up; laugh, at how nasty she is. I wonder if she can even afford a bra? ekk cause I don’t know if those are milk utters or just another roll above her belly button. I did have to make a mean girl blog because I sit here egging her on to prove to her that she meant nothing. Plus we all want a YouTube video of little Jess kicking big Fat Leannah’s wide load ass… or at least I do.. 💕 my camera crew is ready 💤… for a one on one knock out… but she’ll always be a no-show.. cause she’s a nobody. SLUT. Now back to the real story… one she was eliminated from a long time ago.

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Straight Edge; Country girl vs the Party Animal; City girl. that alone screams; you’re dead 😂🤔 you’re lucky; I’ve moved on, let’s just say that; you’re someone else’s homewrecking problem.

The Draygonfly.

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Row row row your boat!. It was a beautiful summer day, Chad and I had decided to do what we do best, go fishing! It was one of the things we did together to escape from reality. When you think of fishing, right away Chad & Jess come to mind. It was so cute we even decorated a tackle box together, where we put all our fishing stuff – labeled with our names. We use to do stuff like that all the time, he even decorated his bat for softball in my favourite colours, green and purple. We always made the little things about each other, because we were always “that” girl or “that” guy, that was my favourite part; being more special then anyone else. One of the things that made dragonflies our thing is we went on an adventure up north. We jumped in a paddle boat and paddled around a huge lake, thinking it was a great idea to fish from it. During our ride within the paddle boat a dragonfly came and landed right on Chad. I mean he hung out with us for like half an hour and hitched a free ride, we blew at him, made fun of him but it didn’t seem like he was going anywhere. He was so pretty, as all draygonflies are, until Chad caught a big fish and then we realized perhaps fishing in a paddle boat wasnt the best idea we have ever had. He caught a huge pickerel and we tried to knock it out with our shoe.. none-less; we totally took it home and ate it, it was a delicious fishy. Those are the memories I miss, the man before he decided to put on the V mask and wear it; with attitude. That’s why the draygonfly is so important to the both of us, it’s when we realized how much magic really was between us, and when the world was a lot less complicated; it was just the two of us.

Facts; A draygonfly will travel up to 100 miles in one day. Some adult dragonflies live only for a few weeks while others live up to a year. Nearly all of the dragonfly’s head is; eye, so they have incredible vision that encompasses most every angle, except; right behind them.

One of his favourites he sent me♫♫♬