To face my fears

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That’s what they wanted, was for me to be afraid. Those stories those lies, they wanted me to close my eyes and panic. Everyday they wanted me to live in fear. I would have to say, when I was faced with life after struggle with loss, heartache, addiction and so much more, alone. They left me there, to figure it out on my own. They too saw bugs in my apartment, I am so afraid of insects.. to watch me scream at the top of my lungs and refuse to kill them, like it was no big deal. They made me walk in thunderstorms facing the fear of lightning, they made me face the fear of being alone. I get this is a strategy, for when one hits rock bottom.. but did none of them realize I’ve been doing it on my own since I was 17. I always wondered what would happen when they realized I didn’t want them apart of my life anymore and it had back fired?. I wonder how much of the game I played myself, did I too loose myself within character. Did this just once again build a wall to consume me with hate. I spent hours, doing sit ups and squats and push ups, I spent hours punching the shit out of that punching bag, I jogged those streets at night; I know exactly what it is like to stand there and face fear in the eyes. Did they doubt me? I stood there waiting, ready to throw the first punch. Did they under-estimate me? Now sitting here weeks til I’m off bail, I wonder to myself; is he even worth the fight anymore. As he has been trapped within his own prison of a relationship without the ability to love someone, while I have been off completing my bucket list of my wants. Or am I looking for them to prove that I too can stand up for myself; I am no push over. I wonder why he felt the need not to protect me, was it a plan all along? I wonder if he knew the years of training, one does not get into a bad life style without the knowledge of needing the ability to win. Perhaps its better to leave a broken-hearted weak girl; image in their minds. I wonder if Chad just knew there was a day I stopped loving him the way I use too. I just wanted a man, a man to protect me, a best friend who worshipped me, a safe set of arms to cuddle me when I was scared. The reality of it all is; the man I once loved so much, became the monster under my bed. . and I am no longer afraid of the monster under my bed. I am not afraid to face any fear I may have on my own. To hear the pain he struggled with the fear of loosing me. To not have the emotions within to care; two lost souls broken apart, lost without each other; only to ever love each other. However to not have it hurt anymore; freedom. I think I may have finally found my; independence.

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