The need to no longer need


The day when it all set in.. I was royalty and they were peasants. To have them pick on me, and watch on the side lines and laugh. It makes me smile the need to no longer need him, to make plans and to never think about him. The best part of it all was, I wish I could be there to watch him try to suceed. You tend to realize when once his friends and family pick on you, perhaps he might just not be doing so well. I want to shine, I want to get everything I have ever wanted. I have shoved happiness within faces of those who crave it. I never knew being free would be so amazing and healing for my soul. That the past will chase you, to go out of their ways to make sure its harder for you, and in reality it makes it so much easier; as their wines and cries are the reasons for your smile. To feeling of winning. I never thought I would feel nothing at all, that the urge to want to fight those so ugly would take over my mind. How is it that he has been forgotten? It scares me, it hurts a little inside to think we only live once… and that’s all we had. That each day going forward; his chapter is over. As if he is dead, there is apart of me that wishes he would just die, so I had a real excuse for his absence, one that made sense. Will there be a time, where I get to shove it all in his face? laugh and move on.. no. Will there ever be a time where I hear this whole time he missed me.. no. Will there ever be a time that someone tells me the story within the lines of why… no. It’s crazy that everyday I live without hearing about him, seeing him or just knowing. It’s crazy the struggle that has become a blessing, we have no mutual friends. We have been so easily forgotten; that we no longer matter; erased. That forever, is actually a limited time. No one gets forever, and we only get one life. To watch someone lower their standard for a pretend fairytale, a lower life standard, to just be numb throughout it all. I don’t cry, but I want to, he could have done so much better. I have always lived life as an emotional rollercoaster kind, I love someone so much right now, but because of Chad. I live my life on a 3 red flag rule, they have to be able to with stand the emotions, the standards and answer the questions properly. I have to thank him, that girl who is so emotionally attached, can only help one so much until she to finds pleasure watching them fail. Why is this world so convinced that these standards are right? When did the world thing we must compete? and what happened to partnership.. have I become like the rest of the world, finding pleasure watching you drown? … no. I refuse.



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