the past

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The past is always something we look back on, something that defines us. We sometimes miss the music and we sometimes don’t. I love looking back on how young he was, how cute and how I got to have him during those years. Something she’ll never have. Growing up scares me, what age will we suddenly look into the mirror and no longer recognize ourselves. When will everything in life become a struggle when we once had everything at our finger tips. He was everything and one day he just became nothing, I didn’t want him I didn’t need him but what I went through with him is what made me into this strong independent women. I still smile at our past before it went wrong, frown upon what went so wrong. But to love again, if he has or not.. but for me that’s a gift. To look someone else in the eyes and just know that the future holds new adventures. That’s a blessing. I wonder sometimes when he became so different; Chad I mean. I wonder if he sits within disappointment playing candy crush and how many years have gone by. He’s a prime example of who I don’t want to be and with the age difference I am glad I have learned from his mistakes. But sometimes I sure miss the skater boy in the pictures but glad to have the advantage to say yeah when he looked good.. he was mine.. and now he’s yours.

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To face my fears

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That’s what they wanted, was for me to be afraid. Those stories those lies, they wanted me to close my eyes and panic. Everyday they wanted me to live in fear. I would have to say, when I was faced with life after struggle with loss, heartache, addiction and so much more, alone. They left me there, to figure it out on my own. They too saw bugs in my apartment, I am so afraid of insects.. to watch me scream at the top of my lungs and refuse to kill them, like it was no big deal. They made me walk in thunderstorms facing the fear of lightning, they made me face the fear of being alone. I get this is a strategy, for when one hits rock bottom.. but did none of them realize I’ve been doing it on my own since I was 17. I always wondered what would happen when they realized I didn’t want them apart of my life anymore and it had back fired?. I wonder how much of the game I played myself, did I too loose myself within character. Did this just once again build a wall to consume me with hate. I spent hours, doing sit ups and squats and push ups, I spent hours punching the shit out of that punching bag, I jogged those streets at night; I know exactly what it is like to stand there and face fear in the eyes. Did they doubt me? I stood there waiting, ready to throw the first punch. Did they under-estimate me? Now sitting here weeks til I’m off bail, I wonder to myself; is he even worth the fight anymore. As he has been trapped within his own prison of a relationship without the ability to love someone, while I have been off completing my bucket list of my wants. Or am I looking for them to prove that I too can stand up for myself; I am no push over. I wonder why he felt the need not to protect me, was it a plan all along? I wonder if he knew the years of training, one does not get into a bad life style without the knowledge of needing the ability to win. Perhaps its better to leave a broken-hearted weak girl; image in their minds. I wonder if Chad just knew there was a day I stopped loving him the way I use too. I just wanted a man, a man to protect me, a best friend who worshipped me, a safe set of arms to cuddle me when I was scared. The reality of it all is; the man I once loved so much, became the monster under my bed. . and I am no longer afraid of the monster under my bed. I am not afraid to face any fear I may have on my own. To hear the pain he struggled with the fear of loosing me. To not have the emotions within to care; two lost souls broken apart, lost without each other; only to ever love each other. However to not have it hurt anymore; freedom. I think I may have finally found my; independence.

The need to no longer need

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The day when it all set in.. I was royalty and they were peasants. To have them pick on me, and watch on the side lines and laugh. It makes me smile the need to no longer need him, to make plans and to never think about him. The best part of it all was, I wish I could be there to watch him try to suceed. You tend to realize when once his friends and family pick on you, perhaps he might just not be doing so well. I want to shine, I want to get everything I have ever wanted. I have shoved happiness within faces of those who crave it. I never knew being free would be so amazing and healing for my soul. That the past will chase you, to go out of their ways to make sure its harder for you, and in reality it makes it so much easier; as their wines and cries are the reasons for your smile. To feeling of winning. I never thought I would feel nothing at all, that the urge to want to fight those so ugly would take over my mind. How is it that he has been forgotten? It scares me, it hurts a little inside to think we only live once… and that’s all we had. That each day going forward; his chapter is over. As if he is dead, there is apart of me that wishes he would just die, so I had a real excuse for his absence, one that made sense. Will there be a time, where I get to shove it all in his face? laugh and move on.. no. Will there ever be a time where I hear this whole time he missed me.. no. Will there ever be a time that someone tells me the story within the lines of why… no. It’s crazy that everyday I live without hearing about him, seeing him or just knowing. It’s crazy the struggle that has become a blessing, we have no mutual friends. We have been so easily forgotten; that we no longer matter; erased. That forever, is actually a limited time. No one gets forever, and we only get one life. To watch someone lower their standard for a pretend fairytale, a lower life standard, to just be numb throughout it all. I don’t cry, but I want to, he could have done so much better. I have always lived life as an emotional rollercoaster kind, I love someone so much right now, but because of Chad. I live my life on a 3 red flag rule, they have to be able to with stand the emotions, the standards and answer the questions properly. I have to thank him, that girl who is so emotionally attached, can only help one so much until she to finds pleasure watching them fail. Why is this world so convinced that these standards are right? When did the world thing we must compete? and what happened to partnership.. have I become like the rest of the world, finding pleasure watching you drown? … no. I refuse.