Was it once I got him back in my arms that I knew it was him all along? Gosh I missed him, its like my whole world was right back to where it should always be. I needed him, I wanted him. Or was it once again that moment when he started to give me the cold shoulder? It is always a; I want you, maybe I don’t, beg for me kind of game with him. We all have secrets, I wont lie. I have hidden things from him just like he has from me. I have never cheated on Chad, I could never dream. However after so many on and offs and trying to figure out how and if he is hiding the other women, my love for him fell short of what it once was. As I have said before I love the skater boys, I always said to myself when I get older, I wonder if my urge for that type will slowly fade. He came back he was older, I was 25 he was 30. Even with 6 months apart, his face had aged, he looked tired, his wardrobe changed and he no longer did the up keep he use to with himself. I don’t know if it was the fear of being hurt that kept me from fully giving my all to him, or if the abuse had started earlier then it usually did. Saying I am not worthy of him, because I did not make an appointment on his behalf. I dont know if he became custom to being away and what kind of relationships he faced, but I was not a personal assistant. My eyes wandered, those younger boys, a couple of years younger than me just caught my attention. Perhaps it was when their faces lit up, or the knowledge they would bring to the table. I was not allowed to go places nor talk to them how I use to. I started to miss them, but having the love of my life back, was worth any communication or mutual friendship. Time started to murge together, I was getting bored, being drawen into a timezone of boringness and surrounded by nothing but himself and old people. I slowly got sick of picking up dirty socks, paying 100% of the bills on my school budget. Being told that even with his income, he could not financially support himself and was now at the point his grey sporty car was being repo’ed. The one he had financed a few years before. I was at the point where someone so much older shouldnt be looking up to me for so much help, I did not have the money or education to help support one’s self at such a low; in his life. He would blame the drugs, but what drug? The one he stole from me, or the drug he hid from me? Chad faced a demon, he can call my addiction whatever female name he feels fit, however I call his demon; Oxy’s. I use to think this boy was perfect, that he could stand on a pedestal and become whoever he wanted. He could have been a model, on the cover of ink boys or even GQ. He has small facial features, small brown eyes and perfect eye brows. I was always jealous of his eye brows, he had a tiny face just like I did, perfect white teeth, after 5 years I realized he didn’t always have a tooth ache, those oxy’s weren’t always needed. It concerned me, his dealer was a sketchy kid, who I befriended. He was smart but socially not right, I always said anything you get from him ‘I want none of it’. I am not one to judge especially on addiction, I have been addicted to many different chemicals, self harm, alcohol and so on, throughout the years. But I never did any of it to put myself in harm’s way, I am not suicidal, temperamental ‘yes’. It became a turn off, his need – his want how he couldn’t control himself, he somehow became old within my eyes. I wanted to help him so much, I put my own well being at risk. I needed to know what he was up too, hours on my laptop, a laptop I was no longer allowed to use for school. How do you give up on someone who was the reason your heart continued to beat, How do you love someone who has been invaded by such evil, when there was such innocence in the world. Then again how do you blame someone who was just trying to help you, and I think we both ask that question, but in two totally different ways.
jncnewsletter 