The pain within

 

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A day had come and I did not see it coming, he told me he was numb. That he needed to get his own place and we can still date but he needed his own space. Chad is in a lot of debt, it’s always his reason for stress, how he gets 30 calls a day looking for money. I could not help him with his past, I could not spend my money; I had from a job I was with for 6 years on his past. Chad had to go his own way, so that he could figure this out. Being 5 years older than me I never understood, until one day – the day his uncle set him up with someone who had a more stable life apparently – one that just might fork over money to pay those bills. This was something he had to do for himself, to learn a lesson within life. His reasons never made sense, I cannot do to her what I once did to you. However, I live life on repeat as he continuously kept doing it to me. I always wondered after the fall of 2012, when we finally parted ways for the first time in two and a half years. I had to go on short-term disability from work for five months with pay. I didn’t realize how hard it would be to live without him. At first I thought it was the way I looked, I starved myself, I started the process of loosing so much weight. I was on meds of 200mg it effected more crazier then crack. I loved him, oh did I ever love him. My entire life fell apart I did not get out of bed and when I did I would get texts how he wanted to be with me and not with the pig farm girl, Leannah. He would tell me how he hated her, how she was spreading rumours about him drinking and driving. How I had to wait til March and he would come home and make it up to me for the rest of his life, how we would try for a family, I just had to be patient. I never could understand the concept… he wanted me to wait? Wait alone, heart-broken, fallen to pieces.. while he lay next to her? I never understood the concept, I never got angry, I was to heart broken to get mad. My entire soul was taken from me, I might as well had been a ghost. I had no idea who I was anymore, lost in a world alone all of a sudden. I needed to find the strength to move forward, months and months I drank lots and lost weight, my hair got long and my body got hot. I was 24 and realizing I needed to get my life in order. I lived in a big house all alone which I was so sure at one point became haunted. I paid all the bills alone, went to Las Vegas by myself to get away from reality; tried to find independence within myself. I covered his name on my wrist with a black heart reminding myself he is black-hearted. I started to grow up. I was that girl who needed that boy to survive, how did it come to that. I made sure to get him out-of-town and send her a message to let her know its a Chad and Jess story and she did not belong. Sadly after a few months he was faced with the fact that Leannah was threatening to slit her wrists if he left. I never understood, I would have offered to bring over a rope and hang her off her barn, but he found no humour in this. I may have cried, but for a loser to threaten to kill herself, I understood more once I saw a picture of her. She was obviously one who did not receive much attention but for him to care if she survived, while I was sitting at home alone falling apart without him. I realized for me to survive I had to stand on my own two feet. I didnt care how that ended, I found the volume button on my stereo, a size 7/8 pant and started to do what I do best, dance my worries away… 2013 had just begun and I found comfort in my new/ old friends – my music – my party life and survived 2012, sadly so did she, no one likes a home wrecker. Let the party begin…

 

 

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