A little to late

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Feeling as if I was the luckiest girl in the world, a man to take care of me. How much better could life get when you get to lay down beside the only person in the whole world who ever mattered. I guess I will call it; a life lesson, to be able to love someone so much. I guess throughout the years – I have come to also accept my OCD, unable to stand clutter in the living room, to have to clean everything.. and it always takes so long. To having to do things the weirdest ways no matter the reaction I got. I guess I was a little OCD about having him around, I loved it, life was so much better when he was in the same room as me. His face would just light up my life, the way he always held my hand when we drove places using his other hand to shift , so he never had to let go. I became obsessed with a man, who pretended to love me in return. How can one be okay with the whole world watching you? Giving them all access to a world he should be protecting, or be possessive of.. as I was of him. I would cut you if you ever wanted to much information on my man. That’s why I always say we are opposite, what would I do… exactly now; he’s doing the exact opposite. I love being single, I do. If it’s not fighting for him then I love not having to check in, be home and do the normal life shit – as you have all figured out, I’m not exactly normal. I love weird, I love learning, I love the discovery channel- how its made, I have friends from all ages – I don’t judge people, yet in return I have been judged. Chad, he judges, hes got a racist side, that comes from his family though. He has never been single, he overlaps women at the beginning and end of every relationship, the fear of being alone. I couldn’t imagine being afraid of sitting in a room and not being okay, but then again he has talked about suicide and I guess in desperation we all have. I wish I could hear his explanation for the world-wide tell all of Jess’s drug and alcohol past ( and we all do grow up n stop partying btw ), but then again… who the hell even said I’d be ashamed of it. Here I am on this side saying .. I’m here to party and I party hard and that’s nothing to be ashamed about I’m not old!.. So, Chad you enjoy your newspaper and coffee in the AM and I’ll enjoy a bowl. I dont know when I started to realize that I was being played, but I would have to say I’m glad cause this is one fucked up world and I am not kidding, the ones like Chad will not concur society’s plans. I guess I thought we both seen the future the same way, but if his heart has wandered before, I’m starting to think six years later, maybe so will mine. Who knew my heart would even consider someone else… but damnnnnn, that’s all I can say for now. I guess Chad’s a little to late, and I am now out of his league. Let’s just say, I advanced to fast pitch while he still plays in the slow pitch league lol. Amen.

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