Confessions

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Have you ever left lost, beyond your wildest imaginations? I felt this way once, I gave up a life of being an alcoholic, at the bars every night. I was always surrounded by my friends, I grew a love for photography. I use to live a crazy life, I turned 19 and never left the bar scene. I don’t know if it was for the love of the loud music, the atmosphere or the fact that I had now found a group of people who were awake during the late hours. I have defiantly loved before, I have always been in a long-term relationship since I was 15. So loving someone was simple, I never gave up who I was though, I never followed rules or changed who I was for them to love me. I think that was my mistake this time, I was leaving a world full of drugs and bars to be with him. I can’t lie, there was always apart of me that just wanted him to fit in with my world.. so that I could stop trying so hard to fit in with his. I remember the nights Chad & I spent on Molly, it was so much fun the hours that we would stay up planning our lives together, it felt just like he had settled in to a world I knew so well… a world I once knew and responded to as JJ. Something went wrong, Chad’s opinion of the way he saw drugs changed. I had to adapt quickly, I was never a big person, so when I stood on the scale and realized I had gained so much weight; listening to his rules. I cried. I cried myself to sleep. Who gives up who they are for someone else? I guess I did. We followed the plans of the family life, buying a house. I will admit it was beautiful, big but beautiful. They always say go with your gut, I should have listened to mine. I had to change and grow up and it felt wrong, but then again I think he felt the same way. We both fought with a demon on the outside; we call them; Chad’s family and friends. The funniest thing is, I am a bitch, I had grown so many insecurities and lost myself, that I forgot its better to stand up for yourself then to let others bully you. I bet this is why he left for someone with a straight edge attitude. An ugly slut who once or twice slept with his uncle, but approved by his side of society. He was bullied into something he hated even more than the home he left. The pain while he was gone was the worse of it all; a story for another time, saying goodbye in November of 2012 when I found out about her. I went right back to who I once was, the girl who wouldn’t leave the dance floor. I started running on the trails again, and indulging in the same amount of booze. To once again lean on my friends to pick me up and carry on. I became that little party girl, we live in the best city to party… a city with about 8 university’s and colleges so yes we have about 15 clubs here, and about 20 pubs. So lets not even get into what kind of drugs you’d find among that many students. I lost 70lbs, I felt amazing, I looked amazing and I was 24 and not interested in any kind of family, so I left him behind. I missed this life so much, single, not sexually active just loud music, long nights and a lot of entertainment. I didn’t miss him. I grew to love myself, I became that bitch I use to be. That girl who has it all and knows it. I knew while he was living on a pig farm shoveling shit and sleeping beside her that he would once miss the city, just as I did. This is the second chapter of Chad’s return “number two”. March 2013, just like he promised, but something was off. They got to him, I loved life so much and you could see how his family and friends and this girl drained it from him. I cannot fix the broken.. I chose this life over him for once. But being without him still leaves a pain you could never imagine, my other half missing… my soul damaged. But while 4 months went by with the on and off shit with him, I did the unthinkable.. I knew there was another one. I hacked this dick’s email and social media to be rid of him once and for all.. to find out there was much more than one… there was a dental assistant, his friend’s sister, his friend’s girlfriend, the pig farm girl Leanne and a youngin named Julieye Waters the no-body; that looked- mutant. As Chad said the one with the most annoying voice he’s ever heard.. the jailbait; (8 years younger than him…) who came along to a bonfire and an account on POF. Man was he ever lost, I hate seeing him so lost, it makes me ache inside. But I couldn’t give up who I worked so hard to become, not this time. I said my goodbyes, and let me tell you 2013 was the greatest year of my life, I lived the high life. The best life, I befriended so many people- I looked good and I fell in love with myself

My favourite song, my life.

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