Lock & Key ♡

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The best part was putting our pasts  behind us, but does anyone ever get to really put their past behind them? We had both come from such different back rounds, “my insecurities could eat me alive.” And Chad’s temper coud destroy us. I had to put my writing behind me, locked away.. I was no longer allowed to express my emotions. It’s like it all became a pandora box, a box you don’t open, or your childhood gets thrown in your face like you were some sort of animal… this is when you remembered, some of us cannot mix our beer with our alcohol. He was so mean at times, and I never understood why. Chad was once left at the altar, thrown away like garbage.. but he forgot not all of us are like that. I come from a back round where my grandparents on both sides were together 30+ years, my dad with his wife for over 20 years, my mom in 10+ year relationships. I was raised to fix things, that people face issues and problems and you stand by each other, that love really is a forever thing; with one person; Chad not so much. We were the best of friends, I was picked on for having journals of poems from when I was nine on, to find 6 years later maybe those with their own secrets, really do pick on those out of guilt. The boy who had to listen to his uncle, the boy set up with others as the life behind his door wasnt what they wanted however they never got to know me… or was it the spyware he had. I always thrived for his attention, wondering why sometimes I’d lay there and cry… and he’d never reply. Was it that he didn’t love me? Or that there was a tunnel manager built to watch over me.. I was not allowed to have guy friends, and yet his Co-ed team was a reason for most of our times apart.. but how can one even sit there with distance between us, and know my struggle and pain and watch. I wonder what other secerts will arise, now that I have access to the two-way street of connections throughout electronic communications. This is a secret, that made me realize maybe he’s worse than I could have ever of imagined. To know a pain, to see the pain, and to ignore it. Those are problems within themselves that will never be solved, and to think I was the one with insecurities, while his world is filled with worse and worse every time. A waste. An embarrassment on his end. What a shame. Damn.

 

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